Day 5 - Write about a period of time in your life where things were not so good.

Isn’t it truly sad that thinking of a period of time in my life where things were not going so well, was much easier than thinking of a period of time in my life where things were going well? Again I ask, why do we notice the negatives more than the positives. Perhaps it is because they occur less often than happy moments. Or perhaps, for some, they occur more frequently.

Either way, this second semester was probably a major downfall for me in many events. Besides the period of time during my dad and step-mom’s divorce, it was probably one of the more notable times of sadness I can remember. 

First, I discovered I didn’t really have a home in Midland, and then I discovered I didn’t really have a home in Peterborough. IN FACT, I found out I didn’t really have a parent in Peterborough, or a mom, at least not one who wanted to support me, or help me out financially. This semester, I discovered that helping me out was a burden for my mother. A successful relationship if ever I’ve seen one.

I also realized I had no money to even buy a new pair of shoes, a pair that wasn’t worn and broken, and this lasted for quite some time. It was a constant fear of whether or not I could afford to buy certain groceries because I was afraid I couldn’t afford rent. 

I also have never felt so cut off from my friends at home as I have this year. There will be points when I text certain friends and they won’t even text me back. And I can’t help but wonder what it is that I have done wrong.

School-wise, I haven’t seen a fail, but a lack of motivation. I have the most trouble focusing, hence why I am writing this rather than studying. But really, I can’t even read a paragraph without having to reread it. And this scares me completely.

I started to see a counsellor, but then she cancelled my last appointment and there’s really no more time slots open for me. Even my attempt to get help seemed to fail. 

It is the easiest thing to see the negatives in life. But the struggles make us stronger, and the rainbow never comes without first seeing rain.

Day 4 - Write about a period of time in your life where things seemed to be constantly going good.

You know what’s funny about this question, is that I feel like most of our lives are moments where things are going well all strung together, except that we almost never notice them, never appreciate them. We completely take them for granted. And it really is true that in the past, I had never truly appreciated anything until it was gone. All I had ever done was notice the negatives of a situation, until the situation took a downwards spiral, and opened my eyes to how truly great the situation previously was.

In my life now, I see the past, my childhood, as a period of time in my life where things were going constantly well. I was intelligent, creative, straight-A student, with a nice house, surrounded by friends, family and pets, love, care, and support. And looking back on it, I realize I should have felt great. But of course, I never appreciated these things until they got worse. Until the downward spiral swept me away and carried me to the horrific place of trying to live vicariously through the past and what once was, could have, or should have been. 

To actually answer this question, which thus far I have avoided because I truly cannot think of a time in my life where great things happened constantly (because in reality great things happen randomly when you least expect it), I will use a more recent time. Though this period of my life perhaps does not represent the highest moments of my happiness, it was a period where I felt constantly good. 

The beginning of this school year was a completely new experience for me. Living on my own without parents, and without supervisors, was great. My housemates and I all got along great. My bedroom made me feel like me. I felt organized with school work and felt I could do anything. I finally begun dating the person I care most about. Financially, I felt I was set. I wasn’t cut off from any family members. I didn’t really feel distant from any friends. Things were good.

But of course, I’m only noticing this now.

Day 3 - If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you want to do?

Jeez, with 24 hours to live, I’d want to say I’d love to see the rest of the world. However, because of some long ass flights, I’d barely get to see any of it. So if today I found out I only had 24 hours to live, I’d probably be sitting here all regretful of not living my life to the fullest, of not seeing the wonder and beauty of the world. However, that’s not way to spend your last day of life.

I’d probably write letters to the most important people to me, especially if I didn’t have the time or chance to see them. Maybe I would record myself talking instead of a letter, use some modern technology. Ultimately I’d just want people to know I love them.

I’d try to do everything I could to make my “bucket list” come true. If only it was more than 24 hours, I’d want to live like A Walk to Remember. 

Day 2 - Write about the best friends you’ve had over the years.

The best friend I’ve had over the years is someone I have known since I was 6. As best friends, and next-door neighbours for ten years, she became very much a part of my family. Every night of every weekend we would have sleepovers. We’d stay up all night playing stupid games, or watching t.v., sneaking out of the house and going on adventures. It was never hard to enjoy ourselves in each other’s company. 

We came to know each other’s lives so well that we stopped having to explain the extent of situations to each other - we just knew. She knew how my mom was. I knew how her dad was. It was never about giving advice to the other, just giving total validation of one’s feelings being true and right, and a feeling of understanding and not being alone.

Though we are hours apart now, we still talk when we can, and when we do it’s never altered in any way. Never uncomfortable. Just right. My best friend is a part of my life and the person I am today. 

Day 1 - Post 15 facts about yourself.

1. I have a very tough time regulating my emotions. I am also a very empathetic person. The two combined really makes for one emotional person. 

2. I have a stuffed animal penguin named Erik who I cannot sleep without.

3. I used to do really well in school, I would love to get back into it.

4. I hope to become a Speech-Language Pathologist.

5. Lack of communication between me and my close friends is one of the saddest things to me.

6. My parents’ divorce(s) still haunts me, though I may not show it.

7. I don’t feel like I have a family or a real home.

8. I am an extremely jealous person.

9. I am a very organized person. Being unorganized makes me flustered and ultimately ruins my mood.

10. I have fallen in love for the first time in my life this school year.

11. For the most part, I feel very uncomfortable in most social situations in the past couple of years.

12. I have a tough time concentrating on things. I can’t even get through a paragraph for school without forgetting what it said. I also have a difficult time paying attention in conversations, especially arguments.

13. I cry whenever I see a cute animal, especially a puppy or a polar bear.

14. I hate the words “babies” and “umbilical cord”. The latter usually makes me gag.

15. I absolutely love making others smile, and will do anything I can to do so, especially the people I love.

Starts tomorrow.

1. Post 15 facts about yourself.
2. Write about the best friends you’ve had over the years.
3. If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you want to do?
4. Write about a period of time in your life where things seemed to be constantly going good.
5. Write about a period of time in your life where things were not so good.
6. When was the last time you cried? 
7. Upload a recent picture of you.
8. How do you feel today?
9. What’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to you?
10. What’s the meanest thing anyone has ever said to you?
11. Write about the best day of your life.
12. Write about the worst day of your life.
13. What are your plans for the future? Far and near.
14. Post your favorite book, favorite movie, favorite band, and favorite food.
15. Write about something you worry about a lot.
16. Upload a picture of your room and talk about your room.
17. Bullet your day.
18. Post one confession/secret.
19. Write about your last birthday and how you plan to spend your upcoming birthday.
20. What did you eat today?
21. How has your life changed over the past year?
22. What made you smile the most today?
23. Describe what you spend most of your time on.
24. How has your week been?
25. Write a letter to someone you miss. 
26. Write about something you once loved, but now despise. 
27. Where is somewhere you would want to visit?
28. If you had three wishes, what would they be?
29. Write about any particular habits/mannerisms that you have.
30. Where do you think you’ll be in 5 years?

It’s because of me.

But not because of anything I did wrong.

So how in the fuck can I fix it?

For having a week dedicated to reading I sure did none…

My skin does not feel like my skin. So I continue to rub it and scrub it and wash away all that stains it to make me feel that it is not my own. To rid myself of the dirt and the unnatural oils in my life that cakes itself onto me. But I am tired. And the more I scrub and pick at my skin, the more it hurts. And the more noticeable it becomes. And the more I despise it. It seems to be a vicious circle too, because the more I despise it, the more I scrub it. And I can’t stop. And I won’t stop. My skin does not feel like my skin. And as far as I’m concerned, it’s not.